


The Stars Behind Our Eyes

by deepndeep



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Produce X 101 (TV)
Genre: Gen, alternative universe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-17
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-05-13 11:42:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 8
Words: 6,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19250506
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deepndeep/pseuds/deepndeep
Summary: Two best friends who are trying their best living their life to the fullest.





	1. Chapter 1

##### SIHUN

I lie on my bed. I think it’s still in the middle of the night, since my house is still silent and there’s no light anywhere. My head hurts, as it always do, though it’s lighter this time, no more throbbing pain inside my skull. I’m on pain killers, there is why. I should have been sleeping but I can’t, anymore. I have been sleeping for days, in the hospital, and when the doctors tell me I could go home, they still tell me to get some sleep, try to rest my body, like all I did in the hospital bed was breakdancing my bones away—I did sleep, all the time.  


My phone is a feet away from me, who puts it there? It’s not me, I haven’t got a hold of my phone for a week—since the day 1 my body decided to give in, and by no choice my parents have to drag me to the hospital. It was no serious case, just a mild tumor raging in the back of my brain, it’s not serious, just possibly, as the doctor said, “Premalignant,” whatever that means. I majored in dance, not medical.  


I force myself to get up. If anyone sees me like this I’d be so embarrassed. “The self-pro-claimed dance machine is laying weak on his bed.” I reach to take my phone. Thank God it was charged, I remember my phone’s battery was dead red the moment my consciousness was gone. I unlock my phone to see there was several texts unread, my school friends giving me prayers to get well soon, I skip all those because, well, never mind. I click on one chat room, no text unread there, of course, he would never look for me even on my death bed.  


“What did I miss?” I type quick, sending. I don’t know if he’s awake or not, there is a high possibility he is sleeping since today was his competition day. Wait. It was mine too. I close my eyes, I’m not getting angry right now, not again. My phone beeps. So he is not sleeping.  


“Me winning the competition, judges were whipped by my performance, as always. I gained another fans (but the old ones were there too, don’t they have other things to do?). Nothing new, really.” I laugh, I haven’t done that in ages. Laughing, I mean. I click on phone icon on the corner of the chat room.  


“Congratulations, I guess?” I start the call, no need to say hello to Hangyul, not at all necessary, he’ll go, “What do you want?” instead because every time I say hello, there is something lying under.  


“You sound sick.”

“I am.”  


“Oh, I almost forgot you were in the hospital all week leaving your goddamn friend practicing alone with girls screaming outside the room,” he says, all rude, because he never is not, “Why are you at home when you are still sick? I don’t get it.”  


“Because the hospital is making me sicker, don’t get me started with all the smells.” One time I woke up, I immediately throw up because the alcohol smell was hitting my nose sharp. I have been sleeping since then, or trying my hard to sleep because that’s the only way I could not realize the smell, “Anyway, you must give a treat, there’s this new restaurant near our school, we should try.”  


“The meat one? Or pizza?”  


I can’t eat junk food, or any fast foods. It’s on my forbidden list of food sent by my doctor straight to my phone and printed out by my mom. “Meat, I heard there’s a line for getting it.”  


“They exaggerate, I passed there yesterday and there’s barely anyone inside.”  


“They were closed yesterday you stupid.”  


He laughs, and I smile. “It’s 2 AM, I’m going to sleep. The restaurant, 4 PM, alright?”  


“Alright.” He ends the call.  


I put down my phone, radiation. They said it’s also because I’m on my phone 24/7, either listening to music (with headphones on), watching other performance or just plain playing my phone, those what trigger the tumor. I hate saying that name, I’ll name it “the shit” from now on. I shove the phone away, putting it where it was, then go back to my bed, laying soundless. Hangyul and I, we were close friends ever since we knew each other in high school. It was the normal friend thing, going to canteen together, sitting beside each other, spent most of the time together until we just happened to be a duo. We were inseparable ever since. Meanwhile, the shit and I, we have just known each other last week, when the MRI came out showing a little shit stick to the back of my brain. We are inseparable ever since, until the doctor decides to take it away which is not in the near future.

##### HANGYUL

I end the call and take a deep breath. I’m not lying. I really did win, impressed the judge and mind you, the amount of girls standing on the audience were more than the last competition. Is it really counted as lying if I did not actually say it? It would not, obviously.  


_**Four days ago**_  


“Is he okay now?” I could not recognize my own voice, it was hoarse and I felt like I need to drink gallons of water.  


“He is okay, Hangyul, he is okay.” The soft voice calmed me, it’s Sihun’s mother. I had been her company since the first day they took Sihun here. Until last night when she insisted for me to go home, rest, “Sihun can’t wake up and see you like a mess, Hangyul,” she said to me, so I went back home, sleeping but not actually sleeping because my best friend was still unconscious, I could not be the one to sleep. This morning I washed and headed back here. I found his mom was inside his room so I waited until she was out.  


“Thank God,” I said. I flopped down the chair outside, I could not get in. Maybe I would, later. I should ask. Sihun had been here for—let me count, three or four days. It was me who found him laying pale on the practice floor. I tried to call his parents but his phone was dead, so I called 911 from my phone instead, then I charged his phone and called his parents when we were in the ambulance. It happened so fast. We were practicing for our competition, we’d be rivals, but we always practice together. I’d get the first place and he’ll be the second, or vice versa. His headache was always his problem, but it happened all the time and we got used to it, sometimes he drank coffee or cola to wipe it away, but other time, he was okay. That time he said his head hurts, I asked him to drink water and about to buy him some more, when I got back, he’s as white as the wall and he could not even open his eyes.  


I knew what happened with him, his mom showed me the picture. An X-ray, you call it, as she explained I feel like throwing up. I excused myself that time and walked to the rest room. I did throw up, for the record, and then slapped myself. Sihun was the one who’s sick, I couldn’t be seen “sick” too. I splashed some water on my face. I couldn’t cry, and I wouldn’t. My friend was sick and I had to be the one to support him.

_**Two days ago** _

I asked. They said it’s okay since he was not actually isolated, he just needed rest. I walked in, not necessary knew what to do in this white room. I had been alone with Sihun a million times, but it was always with him and his chatters, him and his laughs, him and his unending moves, never with him and silence, it was making me nervous. “Hey,” I said, to him, though I knew he was sleeping. Sihun is a light sleeper, but he was seemed to be in a deep sleep. 

“I’m not practicing, it’s weird not having you in the studio.”

“But I will, anyway, I’m not letting other people take the first place. If it’s not yours, then it’s mine.”

I sighed. I was hungry, I didn’t remember when was the last time I ate. “Fight that—that thing, dumbass, don’t let it wins.” 

“I hope you really are sleeping, don’t you dare hearing any of these. I’ll hate you.”

“I’ll be outside, Sihun.”

“I’ll be here.”


	2. Chapter 2

##### SIHUN

“I swear I’m okay, please, I’m just eating with Hangyul, I want to celebrate his winning, too, Mom.”  


She is hard as stone, her face says so, but I got to persuade her to let me out. This is the longest I’m not wandering outside the house since the day I could remember.

“My phone is fully charged, you know where I am going, it’s not like I have a terminal illness that I could die anytime soon, is it, Mom?” I know I went too far, but I needed a push. I look at her pleadingly, it is hard for her, of course. Seeing her only son being near death and still wanting to play with his friends.

She gives up, finally, “Okay, but I’m dropping you off.” That seems like a good deal. I take my phone and text Hangyul that I’m on my way. He should be too, seeing that it’s 5 minutes to 4, I’m late, but this is not school and I’m not getting punished for being late.

I arrived a little past 4, and Hangyul wasn’t here yet. I waited for another 5 minutes and he is here, all sweaty because of course, he’d be jogging from his house, a jerk. He is mocking me indirectly.

“I see you are looking pretty okay for a newly released patient,” he says as he pulls out a chair in front of me. “Have you ordered?”

I nod, “I randomly chose from the menu, I didn’t see the price, it’s all yours,” I lay my back to my chair, laughing. He looks panicked, then, and takes the menu to see. “Don’t worry, it won’t be less than 100 dollars.”

His eyes are widen, “I’ll make you pay this later, wait and see.” Just about time, the food arrives, and suddenly I feel like I was being hit by a wave, for a second I could not see anything. I blink several times, trying to collect myself. Hangyul is watching me, his eyebrow raised, questioning.

“This looks good,” I say when the waiter is gone.

“Of course it looks good,” Hangyul continues, taking the meat to grill, “The price is good too,” he glares at me. Another waiter comes bringing our food. I wasn’t kidding when I said I didn’t see the price, I literally chose anything from the menu that me and Hangyul would eat. I would eat, especially, since the list of food I can’t eat is somehow longer than my bucket lists.

I taste the meat, and holy it is good, “Anyone looking for me?” I ask as I chew the meat in my mouth.

“They all know you are sick and still in the hospital,” Hangyul answers and he takes a bite of the meat, “Oh, damn, this worth the price.”

I agree and put another meat into the grill, “Who took the second place?”

“Guess.”

“Kookheon?” I remember that name perfectly. Beside he’s one of my classmates, he is also a huge rival of ours. One time I got first and Kookheon placed second, Hangyul was out of his mind.

He nods, “Though he actually made some mistakes, I knew because I saw him practicing, judges didn’t realize anyway.”

“They never do.”

I stop dead. Suddenly my vision is blurred, and slowly it begins to darken.

“Sihun?” I still can see him, looking concerned and worried, he stands up from his chair, “You okay?” I close my eyes, and the throbbing comes. My head feels like it is being punched, hit and kicked.

I feel Hangyul’s hand on my back, “I’m calling your parents.”

“No, no,” I try to open my eyes, I just got back from hospital, everything is supposed to be okay, “I’m fine.” Hangyul is still beside me, not moving. “I’m okay—”

I was supposed to reassure him that I’m okay but my body seems to not able to cooperate with my lies. I was not okay and I’m not okay. It hurts so much until I feel like I’m numb. Everything is muted, I no longer can hear anything nor see anything. It’s dark and getting so much darker. I bet Hangyul is calling 911 right now. Calling my parents won’t do me any good since they still will call 911 after. I feel sorry for Hangyul. He has to be friend with me, in this condition. It’s his second time dealing with 911 because of me. I feel sorry.

I hear my head hitting the table.

I guess I am fainting right now.

##### HANGYUL

My hands don’t tremble like it did the first time I dialed 911. No, doesn’t mean I am going to master in calling ambulance but I think I’m getting myself controlled a bit easier this time. I didn’t panic, instead I repulsively caught him before his body fell off to the ground. Everyone, almost everyone, moves from their place to mine and Sihun’s. Several questions fly to my ear, questions I don’t have time to answer because at that moment, I already hear sirens. A man helps me hold Sihun, and when the paramedic arrives, I let go of him and let him being taken away. 

I follow the paramedic to the ambulance. I get in and call his Mom. “I’m sorry, he’s unconscious again,” I say. I don’t panic but my head is about to explode. I shouldn’t have ask him to go out. This is entirely my fault, isn’t it? If only I didn’t act stupid by not acknowledging that he is still not very much okay. 

“Hangyul?”

Crap, I forget I’m still on the phone.

“Yes, we’re on the way, I’ll call you when we’re arrived.”

Turns out I don’t need to call them because right when we got into the emergency room, his parents are already there, rushing to get near their son. I stop. I don’t want to interrupt them. His parents then follow the paramedics and Sihun inside, and I pop myself down on a seat in front of the room. The whole situation is overwhelming. The last time I came this often to a hospital was a decade ago, and here I am, again. 10 years older but doing the same thing, always waiting. On the first accident with Sihun I was also here, my spot is facing the door, so I could easily see who’s coming in and out. Alone, just like 10 years ago, when my Mother was inside, fighting her way through death. Sadly she didn’t make it. I guess she wanted to be with my Father more than with me. After she died, I lived with my grandparents, at least, they are who I know as my grandparents. Even if I’m being lied to, I wouldn’t know. I have no one to ask. 

After she died, I didn’t know if I ever feel more alive than that time, when I first found myself listening to a song, and my body moved like I knew the song by heart and I was made to dance. I discovered dance then. I didn’t do school well but I did enough to get a scholarship to an art school, the place where I wanted to be. I have lost everything, and with this, I gain everything back. I met Sihun. Honestly, it feels good to know that someone somewhere is liking the same thing as you are as you are destined to meet, and that is Sihun to me. He is the first one who doesn’t care about my stone face and unfriendly attitude. I really appreciated him for that, not that I was trying hard to get, but spending your life without parents to care about you, without friends who never wants to at least care about your situation, was not at all easy to cope with. Everything that happened shaped me the hard way but having a friend then soften me.

I’m not being pessimistic, but I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to be alone again.


	3. Chapter 3

##### SIHUN

I can’t wake up. I can’t open my eyes. All I know is I’m not in my room, which is obvious, because the smell is sickening. What I told Hangyul was the truth, I fought with my Mom to get me home because every time I am awake and aware of the smell, I’d vomit, though that is only like, twice a day, but that worked. I was home for only one full day, and I’m here again. That sucks, because I thought I would no longer be sick for a long time, and live my life like nothing happened, but this happened. I guess I’m not that okay after all. I guess this shit is stronger than the doctor have said. I guess I will be sick for a long time, then. I feel a heavy weight on my chest. I don’t want to be sick for a long time, or for the rest of my life. I still want to attend school, go to studio, dance with Hangyul. I have tons of things to do on my bucket list (yes, I am that person) but then, this happened. 

This shit happened. 

##### HANGYUL

I went home yesterday, for a few hours and came back to see Sihun being moved to the other room. I don’t know exactly what room but it seemed to be the x-ray room, because today Sihun’s mom is holding an x-ray result and a moment later she’s crying. Do I know what the result say? No. Can I guess, though? Yes I do. Am I going to like that? No that is not. 

Sihun’s dad sees me first, I greet him and Sihun’s mom looks up. “You could just stay home, Hangyul, you have spent a lot of time for Sihun,” his father tells me. I reply with a smile. This, coming here, doesn’t cost me anything. I too want my friend to be okay and I want to be here to know it firsthand. I feel like this is my responsibility, after all, being the person who was there when he fell. 

“That’s okay, sir,” I say then, my eyes find the x-ray paper again, “What is…?”

“His result came out, and—” His father stops, “In a span of a day, it turns to malignant. It’s miracle, in reverse.”

Miracle, in reverse.

“So…”

“He’s sick, Hangyul, very sick.” His voice is so low, he sounds so defeated, and I feel that too. I feel defeated. 

_**Years ago** _

“What’s for lunch?” 

I looked up from the video on my phone. “I don’t know, how would I know?” I asked him back. How would I know our canteen menu when we’re freshmen who just got in two weeks ago?

“I thought you would memorize it already,” he said, walking beside me, “What is that?”

The guy nudged my arm. “What?”

“Why do you keep asking me back?”

“Why do you keep asking?”

He laughed, I flinched. I was not familiar with laughter caused by me. I slipped my phone back to my pocket, looking around the almost crowded canteen, then the smell of foods hit my nose. Fried chicken, crispy tuna, wow this school had budgets.

I took the food I wanted and stood after the line, “Let’s sit there,” I heard the guy saying. Did I have any other choice than to follow him? Nope. So I did follow him to the only place available, right before some dudes running and shoving me to get to the place. And it’s full.

“This isn’t your grandma’s house,” I flicked my tongue toward the guys, “Let’s find somewhere else, Sihun,” my other free hand grabbed him and walked away.

“Wow,” he exclaimed, I turned to him as I sat down on an almost full table.

“What now?”

Sihun put down his tray, starting to pick up his food, “You were cool,” he said, then grinned.

I rolled my eyes. “Oh, that, what were you watching?” he asked.

“Just a performance video, why?”

He shrugged, “I haven’t seen you dance before.”

“We haven’t got into dance class yet, that is why.”

I chewed on my food, the tuna was delicious, I hadn’t had this for a long time. 

“Let’s go to the studio after school,” Sihun said suddenly. 

I raised an eyebrow, “Why, you want to show off your skill to me?”

“Yes, let’s do a battle,” he said as he was smiling, this guy was really full of things.

Now it’s my turn to shrug, “Okay.”

“Okay?” 

“Challenge accepted.”


	4. Chapter 4

##### SIHUN

“I have the right to know what happened to me, Mom, I am the owner of my body, not you.”

I apologize to her in my mind, I can’t say it out loud now; I need her to feel sorry then tell me the hell is happening with me. I am back in my room, after several hours (or days?) of being in a room I don’t recognize, with machines, liquids and smells. I still don’t know what happened to me, though I have hypothesis. I have seen enough movies, read enough novels to know if the parents are crying in front of a clueless diagnosed son, something bad is occurring. Although I wish it’s not.

I guess I’m on pain killers again, not meds, I think it’s the liquid injected into my blood that helps me not feeling pain, I’m not numb, I just feel weirdly okay, which makes it not okay. My Mom and Dad sit silently near my bed, I can only hear my Mom’s sob. She is making it worse without her knowing. Not telling me is no better than telling me what happened. I feel like I should feel the throb now, but my head remains feeling nothing.

“Sihun, I’m sorry.” She walks to me, crying and hiccuping. My Dad can’t even lift his face. Is this this bad? Am I going to die in a minute?

“Why are you sorry? It’s not like any of this is your fault, Mom.” Probably. I don’t even know what happened, who am I to talk?

“Brain cancer. Third stadium,” my Dad fills in.

_Brain cancer? Third stadium?_

“What?” I heard it. I just want to make sure it was not the voice I made up in my mind. I just want to make sure it was real.

“Bra—”

“Okay, I got it.”

No, I don’t. How is this possible? I thought—no, I didn’t actually think of anything. The pre-malignant thing was growing fast, I guess. I guess the world just wants me dead.

“So I’m going to die?” 

“No, baby…”

My mom is now beside me, holding my hand. She’s shaking, I too, am shaking. 

“Everyone dies, Sihun, I could die before you and you will never know.” I heard a slight tremble in his voice. I want to cry. 

“No more d word in this room!” My mom almost-yells. I choke. I’m crying. The tears feel warm on my face. I cry. I cry. I rarely cry. I’ve always been the tough guy. Me failing? No tears. Me winning? No tears. Me dying? River of tears. But the thing is, my Mom cries harder. That hurts me more.

“Mom, I—,” don’t know what to say. Am I supposed to comfort her? Let her know I’ll be okay when I don’t even know if I will? Do I just cry?

She runs her fingers on my head, just like what she always do when I was little. She kisses my head, whispering she loves me, and I feel my hair wet from her tears. I’m really going to die, aren’t I?

##### HANGYUL

“You’re awake,” I say when I got into Sihun’s room. It’s 4 in the afternoon, one day after I knew everything. I brought him a cake, which I am sure we will just eat it together.

“Hey,” he answers, weakly, “Do you know?”

He doesn’t need to ask specifically, I know the context.

“Yeah,” I pull a chair to his side of bed. I sit, opening the cake box, offering it to him.

Sihun takes a piece, it’s his favorite cake after all, “Sucks, isn’t it?”

I chew on the cake, “The cake? Not so bad,” I say. A little bit plain, I can’t find the one we always buy, so I chose on random cheese cake.

He laughs, been a while since I heard that. I feel like it’s been months since the last time we were in studio together. “No, my life.”

“Am I supposed to say yes or no? Should I ask your doctor for this?” I joke. I really don’t know what I should say. Should I say his life sucks? Because indeed it does. He could have been outside joking around, spilling cakes on the floor, laughing and rolling in class, singing randomly until our voice are gone, but instead, he is in this room, plain white room with no sunshine getting in, with himself as a threat to his life. It sucks.

He doesn’t answer, it was not a clear question after all. Sihun puts down the cake and looks at me, “So, I got an idea.”

“You got an idea? On what?” 

“I’m going to d—”

I cut him off before he says the word, “And?”

“Write me an eulogy.”

That took me off. “No, I’m not writing you an eulogy.” I shove in the cake I’m holding. 

“Hangyul, listen to me.”

“Your idea is not accepted, Sihun, find another one.” I pull out my phone, “By that, I have something to show you.” A song blazes from my phone, it’s the song we’ve been working out together right before the accident. Half-finished choreography, and I’m going to show him the full version I made. I know this isn’t supposed to be allowed in a patient room, says he is chronically ill. 

I dance to the song we both know by heart, beat by beat, tempo by tempo, lyrics by lyrics, half of the song was his, and the other half is mine. I finish the dance, breathless, also feeling stupid for dancing in front of a laying weak friend. Am I insulting him by dancing whilst he couldn’t even move his body? Now that I think of it, I feel so bad.

“Woah,” he exclaims, pure excitement, I don’t see him mocking me or looking insulted, “Was it freestyle or choreographed? I never could tell.”

I sit down, “How was it? Does it look too freestyle?”

He agrees, “We need a little fixing in that, I am always worried by your freestyle-style, we’re going to work that out later.”

“Did I hear it right? Later?”

That caught him off, “Did I say it? Then it is.”

I laugh, “Don’t be so hopeless. I read there’s many people magically survive for not giving up,” I shrug as I am talking.

“I got your promise, later, so don’t freaking give up, I don’t have that much friend, you know,” I continue, half joking, half meaning it. 

He nods, then proceeds back to eating, “There’s something wrong with this but I don’t know if it is or it’s my tongue.”

“It is, this is cheaper than what we always bought,” I swallow a piece, “Way cheaper.”

“So that’s that.”


	5. Chapter 5

##### HANGYUL

His words keep hanging in the back of my mind, and I hate that. As much as I try to be optimistic, there will always be a small chance he won’t make it. I hate that. I hate that I’m being pessimistic. Today I don’t plan on coming to Sihun, since I have spent nearly every day there and I got loads of task to finish. There is still school, home errands, and another competition. Yeah, I did enroll a competition without telling him. First, I don’t want to make him feel bad for not participating and not helping me, and second, I want to make it as my surprise. I need to snatch the first winner, and get everyone to pray their heart out for him. That’s my goal.  


The pen I’m holding keep slipping out of my grip. The thing is, I can’t focus doing my work. His words distract me. Being prepared is… good, right? Perhaps there will be words I can’t say to him because it’s too late. I recall the feeling of regret when I lost her, my Mother. I wasn’t the son who has the best connection to his mom, instead, we rarely talked. She was a hard worker, there was barely any time for her in the house. I could only feel the result of her hard work without having the time to tell her that I’m grateful for everything she gave me. Until the end of her life, I hadn’t told her how I felt. That’s my biggest regret. I guess, I don’t want to make another regret for myself.  


I’m going to write him. Not because I give up on believing he will make it, but I am preventing regrets that will come if I don’t do this now.

##### SIHUN

“How are you feeling, sweetie?”  


I try to open my eyes but it’s too heavy. I can’t even talk, my tongue freezes. I just got out of chemotherapy room, a way to fix me, but instead of feeling better, the therapy made me worse. Is it that saying that you gotta hurt more to feel okay? Or was I just making that up? I don’t know. I so feel not okay right now.  


I shake my head as the answer. She must know how the therapy hurts me, I bet she doesn’t want this to happen to me as much as I don’t want it. I feel her hand on my hair. I don’t know if any of this work. I don’t know if spending all my parents money on this treatment will help. I don’t know. I don’t care anymore. If I die, then I die.


	6. Chapter 6

##### SIHUN

I’m allowed to use my phone now. Not that I was forbidden to use it, but because of the constant therapy and sedative, I couldn’t even get my hand on my phone. And also because my Mom put it somewhere in her bag, so that is why. This morning, with a huge smile on her face (also a bit of dried tear on her cheek), she handed me the phone. ‘You missed playing with your phone, didn’t you?’ she said and I took the phone, ‘Is it charged?’ I asked, she answered with a nod, ‘Your dad charged it,’ then I nodded too. I put the phone on the cabinet next to my bed, I wasn’t feeling it.

Today is the second day after my last therapy session aka the second day I’ve been free from my schedules (with the doctors). Maybe that’s why my Mom finally decided to give me back my phone. She’s afraid I’d die in boredom for not having any drug to cope in my body, and she is also nowhere around me. I turn on some music and place the phone back, I’m not entirely familiar enough with my phone near my body. I still have thought and worries that it might trigger something or turn something on inside me (though it has already been activated), perhaps making it worse. So I am just laying on my bed, with songs from my spotify playlist and looking at the ceiling of my room. My life has changed a lot. Last month, I wouldn’t have thought to be in this place. School was the only concern for me, but right now, it’s the shit in my head. As much as I want to give up, or letting my body deal with that, it still is worrying me. Thinking of dying and leaving this world. I wouldn’t have thought of that, back then, but these days, that’s all I think about. What if I die? What will happen then? Will everything just shut off and then… nothing? 


	7. The Last Star

##### HANGYUL

“Hello?”  


“Hangyul, you need to come now.”  


I put down my pen, “What? What happened?”  


It’s Sihun, and he’s making me worried. “Nothing bad, I got a good news.”  


“Are you…?”  


“Am I what? Just come.”  


“It’s really a good news?”  


“Why are you not trusting me? Are you really Lee Hangyul, the friend I had for years?”  


“Wait, why are you on your phone? I thought…?”  


“Just come. I’m hanging up.”  


The call ends. He left me in question. What did he mean with good news? Are we getting the miracle? I shake my head, I don’t want to expect that high, but we are never forbidden to wish. Even if it’s the most impossible thing right now—I wish this is what he meant.  


I look down to my work. Papers and scribbles of words. It’s my eulogy, as what I said to myself yesterday, I’d write him one, but if it turned out as what I thought it would be, then I wouldn’t need that anymore. I let a heavy sigh and smile—I will bring it to him and perhaps let him laugh at me for writing this.  


“If this is what I thought it is, I’m bringing the eulogy, you are free to laugh,” I texted him just before I leave to dress myself.

##### SIHUN

I wasn’t kidding, there really is a good news. Though I still can’t believe that, though I’m so much in doubt and not at all putting all my expectations, I still feel a little bit relieved. It’s past 6 pm when my Mom came back to my room, bringing me my favorite juice. I was drinking it when my Mom dropped the bomb. A nice bomb.  


“Your doctor told me…”  


“That I might die?”  


She shushed me right away, I laughed in response, “That you are slowly recovering.”  


I choked on my drink, “What?”  


“She explained to me that even though it’s developing, it’s not going anywhere, and with proper treatment, we can fully stop it. By that, from your previous therapy, they saw that it really helped you. You will be cured, Sihun, this will end.”  


I didn’t remember crying but I could hear myself sobbing. I knew, I knew it’s only a chance, it couldn’t be a hundred percent cured, I had been on the internet long enough to know all the stories. But knowing that I have a small chance was enough to make me cry. That meant I could go back to do what I want to do.  


It was a quarter to 7 when I called Hangyul. I didn’t know how I got so excited that he’s the first person to know (because who else, though). He said that he already wrote me a eulogy and he would bring it to me, for me to laugh at it. Well, I will for sure, since I bet he would be writing such cringe-worthy eulogy, we will laugh at it.  


It’s 5 minutes to 9, meaning that it’s more than 1 hour since I called him, and such a little time to the closing visiting hour. He doesn’t live that far from this hospital, that’s why he has been coming back and forth to see me. I wonder what took him so long. I was still wondering when my Mom came back to my room. Looking frantic, for a second, I thought today’s news was a mistake, but the words she said threw me off.  


“Hangyul is in emergency room.”  


“Why? He knew I’m not moving out of this room.”  


I can’t hear what she said. My vision is so blurry just like what it was when I first passed out. “He is what, Mom?”  


When she’s about to say that again, the words I actually heard, I stop her, “No, no, I heard that.”  


“Sihun…” She comes to me, trying to embrace me with her hug, but I don’t feel like it, I want to go out. So I do. I tear of the IV from my skin, I feel it bleeding, but I don’t care.  


_He was in an accident._  
_He was in an accident._  
_He was in an accident._  


My feet take me out, I still can hear my mother calling my name, but I don’t turn my head back. He was in an accident when he’s on his way to see me. If anything happened to him, I will be in doomed for my life. There can’t be anything happening to him. God, I know you can hear me. Don’t let anything happen to Hangyul.  


I arrive in front of the emergency room’s door. I push it opened. If I could describe my situation right now, there could be one word, zombie. I feel like I’m a zombie, half alive, walking with dead eyes. Where is he? Why can’t I find him? I see a glimpse of his grandmother behind ICU door. No, no, no, it can’t be that bad until he’s in ICU. I keep walking towards the door until a hand caught my arm. It’s my Mom’s.  


“Sihun, you can’t go in.”  


“Why can’t I? He’s my friend! I want to see him!”  


She doesn’t answer, instead, she hugs me. Is she trying to calm me down? Because she can’t. I need to see Hangyul. I need to make sure he’s okay. Damn it, he got promises to me. He is supposed to let me see the damn fucking eulogy he wrote for me. I need to meet him. Right now.  


“I need to see him, Mom, please, let me see him, why is he in there, though?”  


“He was in an accident, Sihun.”  


“Where? Did they tell you where? How? And for God’s sake why is his grandmother not coming out?”  


“A fully speed car hit him.”  


I lost my will to stand up. My legs are jelly and I’m about to fall down. I can’t hold myself up. Hangyul. Got. Hit. By. A. Car. What kind of nonsense this is? No way, this couldn’t be happening. My God. No.  


“Let me see him, Mom. Mom, please.”  


Just right there, a doctor steps out of the room. I run to him. “Were you handling Hangyul? Lee Hangyul? My mother said he was in car accident. Is he okay?” I can hear myself breathing hard. My heart beats so much faster. My hand is shaking. My head is thumping. Damn that asshole. He should be okay so I could punch his face for making me worry like this.  


The doctor doesn’t say a word. Fuck that doctor. He should be answering, right? I do have right to know what happened to him. I’m his friend. The reason he got into that accident is me. I do have responsibility. I turn back to my mother, now she’s crying. Right. Like this is the best position to cry and making me think worse. The door is opened again, now it’s his grandmother. She saw me first.  


“Sihun…”  


“Is he okay, Grandma? I want to see him, please, I’m begging you…”  


“Sihun, I’m sorry…”  


“What are you sorry for? Grandma, now please, can I go in?”  


“You can’t.”  


“Why?”  


“He is gone, Sihun.”  


“I’m sorry?”  


“Hangyul is gone, Sihun…”


	8. Words of Truth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hangyul's eulogy to Sihun. Though in the end he wasn't able to say it all to Sihun, at least, Sihun still could read the words he wrote, of how thankful he is for Sihun's existence.

Kim Sihun is the most pathetic person I ever met, yet he made a good friend for me. Perhaps I am as pathetic as he is, since I never really had a friend before I met him. On first year, he approached me first, he is such a loud person. He didn’t stop talking and he really got me annoyed. He still is. For years we’ve been in the same school, he always annoys me. Imagine having 7 days a week and all those are spent with him. I never had a calm day. Sorry, I just need to say that. Despite his annoying and loud self, Sihun is actually the most hardworking and selfless person that is so rare to find these days. By hardworking, we all know once he wants something, he never stops until he reaches that, and by selfless, there had been days when he really didn’t care at all about himself. He’d help juniors who found difficulty in class, he would stop by the street to feed someone, he would tip on restaurant a huge amount of money. He did all that, for anyone else. Kim Sihun, years of being my only friend, he has been everything for me. The ear to my daily whines, the mouth to my unspoken thought, the mind to my slowly working brain, the person to my pathetic life. I know some of you would think that this is disgusting coming out from me, and I know Sihun would be up there laughing at me, but these words are the words I never would say in his face. I’m a coward for telling him how thankful I am to have a person like him in my life. He is the light that shows me way home, the foot that takes me where I am now, the hand that pulls me up whenever I fall. Kim Sihun is the greatest person on earth and he never deserved for the thing he been through. I wish it could have been me instead.

From Lee Hangyul,  
Your friend of life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of this fanfiction/alternative universe of Sihun and Hangyul. I'm sorry for you having to read this trash and thank you for sticking until the end! Also, I'm sorry for the grammatical error or the repetitive words (english is not my first language). Again, thank you so so so so so much for the kudos and hits! I'll write more in the future (and improve it). Have a good life, readers!


End file.
